Could you explain the thoughts of an INTJ to me?

General
1

Do INTJs typically view relationships more as deep friendships rather than emotional connections?

Do INTJs tend to avoid discussing emotions within a relationship?

Hi. I’m an ENTP (M, 27) who recently ended a 5-month relationship with an INTJ (F, 24). Things didn’t end well, and I acknowledge my part in it, but I’m hoping to understand her better.

We began by casually dating, as she was only looking for something casual. I, on the other hand, was open to casual dating initially but ultimately wanted a long-term relationship (LTR). Despite this, we hit it off immediately—like reconnecting with a long-lost friend. It felt like we formed a deep connection very quickly, maybe even too quickly.

By the 3-month mark, I decided I wanted to make things official. When I brought it up, she seemed hesitant. She said I “checked all the boxes” and that if there was a perfect couple, “we’d be pretty close.” But she had set a goal to keep things casual until the end of summer and seemed conflicted about changing that plan, even though she saw potential in us as a couple.

About a month later, she agreed to go official, but I later found out she didn’t actually want to say yes; she felt like she had to.

Over time, I noticed she began to withdraw emotionally and started keeping her feelings about us hidden. Whenever I asked, she didn’t want to share. It took her a long time to process things and she rarely revisited the topic unless I asked (I might have asked too much and too often).
I’m naturally open about sharing my feelings and tackling emotional issues head-on (maybe too much so). But she was the opposite. She needed to journal and process everything alone, which caused a lot of friction between us.
I kept pushing for her to share more, thinking it would bring us closer, but it only made her resist more. Eventually, the tension grew so much that she broke up with me over text, saying I stressed her out too much.
I view relationships as teamwork, where both partners share feelings and solve problems together. It seemed like she preferred us to process things independently and only discuss them once we both had clear conclusions.
She also has fears of inadequacy and a fear of being used or manipulated if she opens up too much, which made her hesitant to share.
Looking back, I realize I was pushing her to change her way of handling emotions to fit my idea of a healthy relationship. I thought being more emotionally open was valuable, but it may have just been a core difference between us.
Mentally, we were on the same page, but emotionally, we were on completely different wavelengths.
Sometimes it took her a week or more to process emotions before bringing them up.

2

I can’t speak for all INTJs, just sharing my personal perspective.
“Do INTJs typically view relationships more as deep friendships than emotional connections?”
I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who wasn’t a great friend first. For me, romance builds on top of friendship; it’s not a separate thing.
EDIT: That said, I only consider someone a true “friend” if I have a strong emotional connection with them.
“Do INTJs avoid discussing emotions in relationships?”
I may not be the best at expressing my emotions verbally, but I do talk about them. My expressions often come out in a way that’s unexpected and might sound more factual than emotional. I get why people look confused or surprised—it’s something I’m still working on, but progress is slow.
The key thing: generally, INTJs share their feelings only when it feels comfortable.
This may have been part of what went wrong between you and your ex.
INTJs typically dislike being pushed—especially when it comes to emotions. We’re very independent and don’t respond well to feeling like someone is trying to control us.
Emotions can be challenging for us, so we often try to keep them under control. Many times, we’ll repress them because it’s easier in the short term and gives us some peace of mind. We prefer to approach things rationally, but our intense emotions can make that difficult.
Most INTJs won’t appreciate someone pressuring them to open up, particularly if that person isn’t doing it themselves. We’ll share when we’re ready, but the more someone pushes, the stronger the emotions get, and the more we’ll lock them away.

3

It really really depends on the individual and their level of maturity, emotional intelligence, personal insecurities, past trauma, etc. This isn’t necessarily related to being an INTJ. Some people are just less open about emotions, while others are more expressive.
Like you, I also see a romantic relationship as a team effort. While I do need time to process emotions on my own to understand what I’m feeling, I would never keep my partner in the dark. To me, a relationship is about working together, which includes sharing emotions.
Again, it varies from person to person, but I wanted to share my experience to show that not all INTJs are secretive about their feelings.

4

I don’t see much utility in emotions most of the time, as they tend to interfere with practical decision-making. Because of this, I generally don’t pay much attention to my emotions and try to set them aside to avoid bias in my decisions. For example, when I see emotional politicians, I often think they’re being disingenuous—policy should be driven by empirical evidence, not by emotions.
This approach means I’m not great at recognizing my own emotions. I also like to be certain about things. Intellectually, I know that physical states like hunger, tiredness, or high energy levels can influence my emotions more than the actual topic itself. That’s why, when I want to understand how I truly feel about something, I need to take several “emotional samples” over time and compare them to account for these changing variables. This helps me identify my baseline feelings.
If someone had pressured me to reach a

5

Definitely not to your first two questions. We are mushy romantics who fall deeply and deeply in love with our relationships because our heads are up their ass. Additionally, we often have no trouble expressing our emotions; but, we do typically take some time to reflect, intellectualize our feelings, and then decide what to say.
Sounds like she just wasn’t as into you as you were into her. It sounds like you badgered her after pressuring her to make it formal because you wanted her to share your emotional state even if she wasn’t. The conclusion. Proceed.

6

Similar pressure to effortlessly open up and tell them how I’m feeling right away has been placed on me (F 27 INTJ). Sincerely, I think it’s a little unfair; it’s just not how I deal with emotions. I’m not emotionally illiterate; rather, my spouse seems to want to hear that I can verbally name sentiments as they arise. The problem is that, before I’ve had a chance to process how or why the feelings have arisen, doing so frequently makes me feel extremely exposed and uneasy. I can express my sentiments at my own pace if I’m allowed the time and freedom to analyze those emotions.

7

I don’t think the relationship was as compatible or as good as you or she might have believed early on—there may have been some “rose-tinted glasses” effect at play, and she probably recognized that. Whether or not she had a pre-determined timeline for casual dating, that’s not a solid reason to pass on a relationship that seems as worth investing in as you’re describing. Honestly, INTJs in love tend to abandon their plans unless the relationship conflicts with some fundamental aspect of their identity or values. When we’re truly in love, that person becomes intertwined with our long-term vision, and we adapt accordingly.
Maybe, deep down, she realized that even though the relationship worked in theory and she did like you, it wasn’t to the extent that she could see it making sense long-term. While that’s disappointing, it’s better she ended things early rather than leading you on. INTJs can struggle with emotional vulnerability, but our strong intuition (Ni) drives us to push through when it’s with the right person.
This is just speculation based on my own experiences and those of other INTJs, so it may not apply here. Who knows—maybe one day you’ll be the “one that got away” for her. But it’s not worth dwelling on or blaming yourself for pushing too much emotionally, or wondering what could have been.

8

I don’t mind sharing my thoughts or the occasional emotion, but only when I feel it’s necessary and/or I trust the person. Too often, I accidentally share something I thought the other person already knew about me (largely due to my own apathy). A lot of times, people just don’t ask, and I don’t see the need to bring it up. In your case, the lack of communication was on her—after all, none of us are mind readers. But constant, irritating prodding would definitely cause a rift. There are probably plenty of underlying issues in both of your lives that impacted the situation, but we don’t need to go into that. Remember that friendship and romance are two separate dimensions—pay attention to whether you truly click with someone romantically. What seems small now could turn into a bigger issue down the road.