Do INTJs typically view relationships more as deep friendships rather than emotional connections?
Do INTJs tend to avoid discussing emotions within a relationship?
Hi. I’m an ENTP (M, 27) who recently ended a 5-month relationship with an INTJ (F, 24). Things didn’t end well, and I acknowledge my part in it, but I’m hoping to understand her better.
We began by casually dating, as she was only looking for something casual. I, on the other hand, was open to casual dating initially but ultimately wanted a long-term relationship (LTR). Despite this, we hit it off immediately—like reconnecting with a long-lost friend. It felt like we formed a deep connection very quickly, maybe even too quickly.
By the 3-month mark, I decided I wanted to make things official. When I brought it up, she seemed hesitant. She said I “checked all the boxes” and that if there was a perfect couple, “we’d be pretty close.” But she had set a goal to keep things casual until the end of summer and seemed conflicted about changing that plan, even though she saw potential in us as a couple.
About a month later, she agreed to go official, but I later found out she didn’t actually want to say yes; she felt like she had to.
Over time, I noticed she began to withdraw emotionally and started keeping her feelings about us hidden. Whenever I asked, she didn’t want to share. It took her a long time to process things and she rarely revisited the topic unless I asked (I might have asked too much and too often).
I’m naturally open about sharing my feelings and tackling emotional issues head-on (maybe too much so). But she was the opposite. She needed to journal and process everything alone, which caused a lot of friction between us.
I kept pushing for her to share more, thinking it would bring us closer, but it only made her resist more. Eventually, the tension grew so much that she broke up with me over text, saying I stressed her out too much.
I view relationships as teamwork, where both partners share feelings and solve problems together. It seemed like she preferred us to process things independently and only discuss them once we both had clear conclusions.
She also has fears of inadequacy and a fear of being used or manipulated if she opens up too much, which made her hesitant to share.
Looking back, I realize I was pushing her to change her way of handling emotions to fit my idea of a healthy relationship. I thought being more emotionally open was valuable, but it may have just been a core difference between us.
Mentally, we were on the same page, but emotionally, we were on completely different wavelengths.
Sometimes it took her a week or more to process emotions before bringing them up.